At last! A full night’s sleep, followed by a good row and a cup of tea.

It’s amazing the difference it’s made in my mood — some recent wins at work have helped too.

My wife is taking a booze break for a month; this is rounding out her first week, and that, too is a nice thing for me: sobriety hasn’t been hard to maintain, but not seeing beer in the fridge or seeing somebody drink it around me just makes it all a bit easier.

All in all, a good mood this morning. The best in a month, maybe.

Day 540: Abrupt Attitude Adjustment

I don’t know where this came from, but I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Last night my wife and I went out for our fourth anniversary of moving to our city. Came home, watched a bit of TV, then dinner made itself known and I had quite an exciting evening. Slept all night, got up, exorcised some final demons, went for an 8k run. Stretched the 8k to a 10k. Got in and suddenly I’m like it’s all good.

Maybe this is, I don’t know, bowel-related. Maybe two straight days of givin’er with exercise have done something. But I feel good today. I may have just run out the clock on feeling blah.

So yes. Time to roll into the day and maximize this good feeling. Do All The Things. I may well be back here tomorrow saying bwah everything is terrible but make hay while the sun shines, which is an expression that nobody who has actually gone haying would actually use. Make hay while it’s overcast. It’s a brutally hard job in the sun. All machines now anyway.


Day 539: Emergency Exercise

I did not feel it this morning. Got up logey, walked around logey, stayed up from 4 a.m. with my wife, just moping around and feeling… logey.

This is not the first time I have done this, but I literally said NO, stood up, and cranked out a super intense 2k on the rowing machine. Holy Pete — the endorphins are going now, and I’m generally feeling stoked and more alive than I’ve felt in a while, after a week or so of kind of phoning in the exercise.


I’ve got a day ahead of me: sign refurbishing, other Life Stuff. Feeling much better about it now that my blood’s pumping — good stuff. Less than 10 minutes, but I think it’s turned my day around. We’ll see how it goes.

Day 474: The Uses of Downtime

I feel like I’m on the journey back up from the Valley of Meh — fingers are crossed but I’m not trying to get overconfident.

As mentioned previously and often, I’m on a track where I’m knocking out a few pretty major volunteer things right now. One is pretty much done, the other is an ongoing project that’ll take me into the summer and possibly beyond.

It’s all good, and it’s nice to see thing moving in an arc that ends with me able to try some new things by, ideally, midsummer. Hard to guarantee these things for myself, obviously, but good to think that I might have those opportunities.

One of the benefits of a week or so of feeling run down is I’ve committed, with my wife, to getting out of town. Just for day trips here and there in the summer, but it’s a smart move and I’m glad I’m doing it. I think changes of scenery are good, and if we can’t afford the time or money for a “real” vacation, quick escapes are the next best thing.

I hope I’m pretty much through this cyclical bout of downtime, but it does have its uses. I’m really re-evaluating what I want and don’t want to do from a more honest place than I can when I’m feeling up. Looking at what you’ve committed to and what you really feel committed to is something that has to be done at an ebb, because when you’re in flow, everything just feels like it’s doable and great.


Day 473: Staying Focused

It’s been challenging to stay on track this week — in fact, I think I can assert that I’ve been off-track with food, more or less okay with exercise. Sobriety has kind of gotten into my bones: I’ve been having a pretty flat/low week emotionally, but I haven’t even thought about drinking. It’s just coming up now because I was mentally running through the four pillars of exercise, food, sobriety and sleep.

It’s good to remind myself that this is periodic and cyclical, and one of the costs of being “up” and energetic most of the time is that I do hit these lulls.  It’s also kind of comforting to remember that. I don’t recall the last time I hit this kind of blah period — I feel like it was last November/December — but if the price to pay for being, well, me most of the time is being a little bit of a reduced me for a week or so periodically, I’m happy to pay it.

I’m choosing to look at this as a “charge cycle” rather than “something is wrong.” I run at 110% a lot of the time — I think I overachieve as a routine thing — so periodic drops down to, I don’t know, 60-70% are probably necessary.

At any rate, I’m in “ride this out” mode. Exercise was good this morning, and I’m feeling I think a little less meh than yesterday, so hopefully I’m turning the corner on this thing.

50% “ride it out,” 50% “fake it til you make it” — method acting also helps. If I can make myself act cheerful, I usually wind up feeling a bit more cheerful as well. So I’m’a grab a cup of joe and head briskly to work — seeming upbeat is often the key to feeling more upbeat.


Day 471: Flat Week

I think it’s time to admit that I’m a bit… flat this week. Not down, precisely; my mood is okay, but flat. It’s kind of hard to describe. I’m normally pretty upbeat; I think my default state is generally sort of pleased with things. It’s nice. It’s not always easy to understand or deal with people whose default state is displeased with things, but I’d rather be me than them.

So I’m not feeling low, I’m not depressed, I’m not sad. I’m just not up, which is a bit abnormal. It’s hard to push yourself when you’re feeling flat, though. When you’re sad or pissed off that’s actually kind of motivating. Not feeling much of anything just kind of leaves you, well, not driven.

I’ve just spent the last few minutes dithering on the Internet — time to revisit some old motivational stuff, I guess — I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. No matter where you go, there you are. Hm. That actually helped a bit.