Day 802: Grinding back on track

It’s really hard for me to know what’s genuine and what’s, you know, milking it a bit. I think it’s because I’m in my own head a lot of time time, and it’s hard sometimes to get out of it.

It’s been busy at work, and tragedy on the personal front, so sleep has been rough. It’s hard for me to really get back through my own head. Do I need the sleep, or am I opting for a bit of slack? Am I really that stressed and sad, or do I just like goofing around in the middle of the night?

I think I need to be kind to myself… but then I worry that I’m being too kind to myself.

Day 801: My Wife Copes Better Than I Do

Look to successful models — and today, that’s my wife, who has been dealing with tragedy I think better than me for the past 36 hours. I’ve been logey and distracted, sleeping poorly and dragging my butt this morning.

Part of this (she volunteers) is that she wasn’t working yesterday and had dedicated grieving time, while I was working, and she’s had better capacity to process than me. But even so.

Day 269: Heading Back

It feels like five minutes since we got here, but heading back… three days largely occupied with the business of death, helping things settle, comforting, kid-sitting to free up other folks for things. No great lessons learned or hills climbed.

Everything was… not bad. Some exercise, not crazy-eating, sober, not great but not terrible sleep habits. And now, back to cars and planes and buses and home.


Day 268: Family and Finance

It’s no news that family can be stressful, and money can be stressful. I’m lucky to have inlaws who are open and ready to talk about these things. But there’s a shared stress away, with a recent death in my wife’s family, and a lot of open questions that are hard to answer.

Obligation, and shared obligation, is a tricky thing. There’s a lot of navigation of people’s choices versus their circumstances, and when you only get to see people face to face once a year or less, it’s hard to have conversations.

So today’s brief road update: some exercise this morning, a short run; doing okay on food, sobriety on lock, sleep is meh but we’re trying our best. Which is all you can do sometimes. I’d love to say everything is 100%, but the finance stuff is kind of tricky. And that’s not a solveable problem as much as an ongoing situation to manage.


Day 168: Mourning and friendship

A university friend of mine passed away a few days ago, and it’s taken me a few days to process it. Cancer; it had been known for quite a while, and he had been in hospice for a bit. So not sudden, and not astonishing.

But it took me two or three days to really let it sink in. Not a close friend, but a lost opportunity, I think, for a close friendship. Driven by geography and a natural inclination to be a bit of a hermit.

So I’m trying to figure out how to come out of this with something better. I know that I wish I’d been a better friend. I know that I should be… friending more gooder.  But I’m not sure what that means. And at the end of the day, I’m not sure if I’m good at friendship.

Sometimes I’m not sure I know what friendship is.

I have a wide circle of good acquaintances, and some people I really get along with, but I don’t know that I have, like, that cinematic idea of a friend in terms of somebody I hang out with a lot. Share intimate secrets with. All that stuff. I go running with a friend. I stay in touch with people I used to play role-playing games with. I know people from university. I get along well with people I work with and volunteer with.

So I’m trying to wrap my head around this idea that I need to make a very sad thing less sad by making it worth something. That something is being a better friend to people. But actually enacting that is something I don’t really have an intuitive grasp on.

Mourning means building, for me, in some important ways.

I guess I just want to know that I’m making a terrible thing mean something. Figuring out what that meaning is, and how I can actually do it, is going to take a while.