Day 236: Don’t! Get! Up!

Success! Woke up at 3:50 a.m., had to pee, went back to bed. Laid in bed for an hour. Semi-awake. Occasional cat nuzzlings. Kind of half-assed meditation. Did not get up.

Am I well rested? Eh. Not really. But I feel like I at least managed something by actually staying in bed and getting some zoning out time as opposed to watching dumb TV or browsing the Internet or whatever. Because that pre-wake-up time is never productive. It’s always filler before the dawn.

So while I didn’t sleep, I got a mixture of good thinking and frustrated fuming in there. Turning over some work stuff over the past week, including the slowly dawning revelation that sometimes people don’t deserve answers. The context would take forever to unpack. But I’ve kind of always operated on the default that if somebody has a concern or question, you should answer it. Settle fears. Respond to questions.

The last week, I realized in the sleepless pre-dawn, has shown me that some people don’t care about the answers. They just want the rush of asking the question and getting the attention of an answer. The answer isn’t actually germane to their need for attention. And an answer will only spur more questions.

Which seems obvious-ish when I put it like that. But it’s a big thing for me. As an inveterate people-pleaser, obviously I need to answer people. If I don’t they might be mad! They might not understand!

I’m slowly wrapping my head around the fact that there’s people who don’t really seek to understand. They just want your focus. And “understanding” is just a pretext for more question-seeking. It’s a bottomless hole that you can’t fill with answers.

So I’ve spent some time last week, both personally and professionally, walking away from questions. Not even really understanding that’s what I was doing, until Operation Don’t Get Up forced me to lie in bed for an hour and actually mull these things over.