Day 387: Personal Static

Going through this morning “tracker” is interesting, especially the part that tracks my general mood and work, volunteer and home stress. I’m not sure if first thing in the morning is the best or worst time to check these things.

I’m not batting 1000 on the “home stress” front right now. Close, but not there. And it’s nothing to do with home… more an unfortunate circumstance that somebody I’m close to has, for want of a better term, decided that I’m their enemy. There’s a lot of paranoia involved, and attempts to reach out only seem to make their feelings toward me worse. I’d encourage the person in question to talk things out with a professional and get a third-party read on the situation, but that wouldn’t make things better.

I tend to think the worst of myself in these situations. It’s not the first time I’ve had a friendship end, and each time I go through months of exhaustive mental inventory wondering if it’s me. Should I be more forgiving? Do more chances need to be given? What if I haven’t tried hard enough?

But you also have to have a check-out point: there has to be a finite amount of outreach, and trying, before you stop living a life and start just being servile to somebody else. Which is easy to understand in your head, but hard to stop worrying about. There’s a whole messy tangle around what’s supportive and what’s enabling, and at the end of the day I think we all just have to make that call for ourselves.

This is compounded by the fact that I know I have a large and fragile ego. I know that part of this is me not liking the fact that somebody out there doesn’t like me, even if their reasons aren’t super rational.

So that’s where the stress is these days. Letting go of people is hard, even if you’ve done the work, tried your best, and are sure (well, I’m never sure, but it’s hard to see more that could be done) you’ve done your best.

No threat to sobriety, but definitely moves me up a few ticks in life stress. Something to keep an eye on.